Dental School Parenting Classes
If Dental School taught parenting classes…
Dental School (DS): First, you must research every article on birth ever.
Student: Even the ones that have been proven to be totally useless?
DS: Especially those!
DS: Next, go down the parenting store we have on site to buy overpriced yarn and buttons. We are going to teach you how knit your own baby clothes and special bonus—judge you harshly on it.
Me: Could we just buy some clothes from a real baby store?
DS: Yes BUT then you will never know how a onesie is supposed to be constructed. That’s super important.
Me: You sure?
DS: Yup. Your parents knitted onesies. Your grandparents knitted onesies. You think you should not have to knit onesies?
Me: Enormous waste of time.
DS: Whaaa? How rude! We may not give you any “usable parenting tips,” but we do better than that, Mister! We help you understand the concepts behind parenting. You must know the concepts!
Me: That’s the opposite of “better.”
DS: Well, Mr. Smarty Pants. What should we be teaching?
Me: How about how to feed the baby?
DS: Ha. Haha. Look at Mr. Smarty Pants. So concerned with feeding his baby and not knitting onesies. You know what, sir?
We will NOT be considering you for our honors elective . . . Interpreting the weird faces your baby makes.
Me: That elective sounds pointless. The baby will be here in a few months. I really would love to learn how to feed it.
DS: Ahh. You’ll figure it out later. Now, put away your things. The swaddling practical starts in 5 minutes and we failed half the class last year.
Don’t fear, luckily we are here to teach you how to feed your baby, the do’s and don’ts oh and the 7 Secrets to Successful General Dentisting.
Your dentisting friend,
Paul “Dr. Nacho” Goodman